I went to six sessions with a Christian counselor. My husband and I attended a week-long debriefing retreat. I met several times with spiritual mentors from my hometown who served faithfully on our sending team while we lived in Central Asia. I read half a dozen recommended books. Scripture study, prayer time and lots of soul-searching silence also occurred.

These months involving renewal and counseling centered on our re-entry and transition in general. Specifically for me, the focus was also forgiveness.

Everyone at some point in their relational journey has been wronged, hurt, betrayed, abused, ignored, neglected, fired, mistreated. For global workers, team relational issues lead the list of reasons people leave the field. 

How do we move forward? Not drag that relationship trauma around like concrete boots on our feet.  

We must… forgive. Sigh. This is hard work. And also mandated by our Loving Father. If we refuse to forgive, that puts us at odds with God who basically says, “If you want my full forgiveness, you must be willing to forgive others.” 

Forgiveness is not a feeling. It is the intentional choice to give up my right to be angry. It is not excusing the wrong behavior, saying it was okay or not so bad, or I shouldn’t have let it bother me. It happened. It hurt.

We must start with an earnest plea to want to forgive the offender and pray for God’s help. Next actions include full acknowledgement of disappointments, offenses, broken promises, abuse, neglect, abandonment, whatever has locked up our heart. Writing a full, detailed list and sharing it with a trusted friend or counseling professional can be an exhausting but freeing emotional effort.  

Then I recommend putting the date beside each offense, saying “I give up my right to be angry” even out loud to mark the willful action and cut the power of the past pain. Over time, choosing forgiveness changes our feelings, setting us at peace with God and our offender. What a marvelous mysterious gift we do well to embrace.