Have you ever wanted something so much that it almost hurt your heart to think of it not happening?

My husband and I knew before we got married that we wanted to adopt internationally. We planned to start the process after our biological children were born so that way we could adopt as a family. We started the process four and a half years ago. It was expected to only take 2 years but we are still waiting.

We thought it would be this year, during our time in the States on home assignment. The country we are trying to adopt from has recently changed their laws, and no longer allows Americans living overseas to adopt. So that means once we move to our next ministry field, we will no longer be able to adopt. There have been a lot of ups and downs on this journey already, but each time we felt like we were coming to a dead end, a small door opened and we were able to continue moving forward. Now, as the days tick down for us to move, it looks like we are coming to another dead end.

Did I misunderstand? Was this not God’s plan for our family? We’ve prayed for years for our little boy, believing he was out there somewhere…wasn’t he? I have felt a physical ache in my heart as I process these thoughts, and contemplated the ending of this path that we believed we were on.

My husband and I decided to take some time and really pray and seek God for direction. As we did this, I realized that fear was present. How do I handle this disappointment and the reality of all these steps, time investment, finances being for nothing? How do I help my kids walk through this as they have been praying for their brother for years? How do we start to reimagine our family? 

“Lean in.” That was the answer to my prayer. That was the phrase in my head along with the verse in Jeremiah 17:7-8 “But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank with roots that reach deep into the water…” God told me to lean into Him through this process and all the confusion and emotions that come with it. Lean into Him to watch Him guide us and comfort us. Do not be afraid. He is God, and through this experience, He will grow the roots of my faith deeper. Each time that ache in my heart surfaces, it’s a reminder to pray. And that’s what I am going to do. As the days on the calendar pass and our departure date grows nearer, I will trust Him day by day.