When I was a child, forgiveness seemed simple. When my siblings and I had a fight, my parents instructed the offending child to apologize to the victim, the offended child to immediately forgive, and then to reconcile by “hugging it out.” (When the reconciling hug involved a silent retaliatory elbow to the ribs, the process would begin all over again, often with other disciplinary action involved.) 

Sometimes it felt too soon to offer forgiveness, especially since repentance doesn’t instantly repair Polly Pockets or erase that swipe of marker from beautiful artistic creations. “What if I’m not ready to forgive him yet?” I protested. “I’m still mad at him!” Regardless, we were still told offer forgiveness quickly in order to avoid holding a grudge or preventing reconciliation (Eph. 4:31-32). 

As an adult, I’ve learned the hard way that forgiveness and reconciliation is much more complicated than our childhood demonstrations. It is often messy and painful. I was baffled when a wronged college roommate told me that she needed time to process the grievance before reconciling with me. With our friendship seemingly hanging in the balance, I was angry that she didn’t measure up to my expectations of a fellow sister-in-Christ who could forgive instantly. When we reconciled again weeks later, I learned that the Holy Spirit specializes in gradually healing relationships, rather than forcing a “quick fix” that would do more harm than good.*  

In reality, forgiveness and healing is a fragile, paradoxical thing that is really only possible in light of the Gospel. We are not expected to forgive everyone who has wronged us through our own human willpower. God’s radical forgiveness of our brokenness can give us the confidence to repent when we have sinned and the grace to forgive when we are wronged (Col. 3:12-13). Through the presence of the Holy Spirit, the Word of God, and the wisdom of our brothers and sisters in Christ, we are given the tools to offer humble repentance and forgiveness in our churches and to our unbelieving neighbors.  

*It is important to note that in scenarios of abuse, repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation take an entirely different form. Complete relational reconciliation is sometimes unsafe and should be handled with caution.