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The number of mistakes I have made since I started working abroad are probably as numerous as the hairs on my head. And I have really thick hair.
Some of my mistakes have been small, like the time I wore hoop earrings to church on a Sunday, which unknowingly meant I was a “loose woman”. While others, like the time I wrongly accused someone of stealing money from my house, only to find it a few days later, were much more severe.
No matter the size of my mistake, however, I have always found it difficult to forgive myself. It isn’t that I expect perfection. Rather, it’s the shame that my actions could have harmed another that tend to linger on forever.
After 17 years of experience in Haiti, I am often asked for advice from those newer to the country. And without fail, I end most conversations by telling them this truth: Almost everything I know to do right in Haiti I only know now because I first did it wrong. They laugh, only half believing me. But it’s the truth, as much as I wish it wasn’t.
And while I have long accepted the fact that messing up is just a part of the learning process for me, that hasn’t made the shame feel any less extreme. Sometimes I feel like I carry shame around in my favorite sweater pocket, right alongside my chapstick and phone. It’s always there. Always trying to remind me of the many ways in which I have failed.
Thankfully, I serve a patient and loving God. One who has already forgiven me as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12). One who wants me to remember all the lessons I have learned through my mistakes, but no longer hold on to the shame I so frequently attach to them.
Shame has weighed me down for so long, but slowly I am learning to let it go. I toss it out a little bit at a time, each time being grateful for the wisdom God has provided me through my mistakes. Wisdom I may not have understood otherwise.
No matter where you live or what sort of ministry you have been called to do, mistakes are inevitable. Instead of feeling shame for them, learn from them, and give yourself the same grace you are daily giving others. You will learn from this, I promise, and become a better cross-cultural worker for it.
Has shame of past mistakes impacted your ministry? If so, how do you work towards letting that shame go so that you can forgive yourself?
While I am not an expert, the best strategy I have for letting go of shame is to think of the lessons I learned out of that mistake, and then take those lessons to teach others. Taking an experience that was bad and turning it into good is always healing for me.