You may have noticed, but one of the current buzzwords within popular Christian culture is the word “vulnerability.” We are supposed to be vulnerable with our “community” consistently and authentically in order to care for each other well and build up the body of Christ. These goals are beautiful and worthy of our efforts and prayers. However, if you’re like me, the concept of being told to be vulnerable in a small group Bible study makes me feel like a racoon backed into a corner. I won’t be vulnerable. You can’t make me. 

Sure, this response reveals layers of my insecurity and brokenness, but I share this because I know I can’t be alone in this gut reaction. We have probably all experienced the well-meaning small group that pushes us into a place of vulnerability before we truly feel safe to share our hearts.

If vulnerability truly serves to deepen relationships and enable us to receive and ask for wisdom and care, we should certainly do our due diligence in pondering how to wisely share our stories with our church family and our friends. More importantly, I’d like to encourage us to think through what the Bible says about creating safe spaces to invite our people to be vulnerable without making them feel unsafe, judged, or pressured. 

The reality is that our tongue primarily serves to share love and welcome, or offend and hurt. If we are to cultivate opportunities for our friends to feel comfortable to be vulnerable with us, we need to tame our tongues. James delivers a bit of a gut-punch throughout his entire letter, especially in regard to this practice. “How great a forest is set ablaze by such a strong fire!” he writes in James 3:5, “And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell.” He goes on to write that the tongue is a “restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God.” James 3:8b-9

As I’m sure you know, our words can do massive damage in just a blink of an eye. We can use words that are judgmental, harsh, or impatient, and cause our friend to halt in her willingness to share her story with us. In a moment of anger or defense, we can say things that don’t honor the Lord and that hurt people instead. I’ve single-handedly done this many times, so asking the Lord to control my tongue is one of my enduring prayers. 

Similarly, Proverbs 12:18 states, “There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” I want my tongue to bring healing. Regardless of the setting, I want to make my people feel safe and comfortable, loved and seen, regardless of what they do or do not share with me. 

As I think of an ideal space to welcome and share our hearts, I think of a setting marked by the Fruits of the Spirit described in Galatians 5:22: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Now that’s the kind of small group leader I’d be comfortable sharing with–someone who treats me with gentleness and grace, patience and good-will. 

Maybe the key to both cultivating and engaging with vulnerability is to ask the Holy Spirit to grow us in humility and the fruits of the Spirit. I pray that as a global Church, our tongues will flow with words that uplift and encourage so everyone can feel comfortable to open their hearts to a community that cares deeply about them.