This is not how I wanted my story to go. 

Fear and grief gripped my heart and a tear slid down my cheek as I considered the possibility that this may very well be the last few nights we’d spend in our little house overseas. I swallowed back the tears and put on a brave face, not wanting to add stress that may cause my husband to have yet another seizure. They were coming in waves now, an unpredictable and menacing enemy of our world for the past six months. 

No, this was not my plan at all. 

A year and a half, a move across the ocean, a ministry change, a battery of tests, many, many seizures, and two back-to-back brain surgeries later, and my husband is now seizure-free. 

Yet we continue to live in what feels like a parallel universe. Years of living with seizures resulting in brain surgery left us both with scars— physically, emotionally, and spiritually. 

Contentment alludes me on many days as I long for what once was. For not only our “old life,” but for days when God felt near, when life was less complicated, when God’s plan made more sense. 

Recently, on a particularly challenging day, God encouraged me through His Word in Genesis by a repeated phrase in the story of Joseph. 

When he was sold into slavery, ripped away from all he'd ever known, with no promise of ever returning: "The Lord was with Joseph.” 

When he was thrown in prison, falsely accused after being faithful to his master and doing what was right: "The Lord was with Joseph." 

I hear in Joseph's story the whisper of God's voice: 

"Sarah, I am with you." 

During seasons when I can't see His plan. 

On days I struggle with feeling alone or misunderstood. 

At times when He feels far away. 

What was true in Joseph's story is true in mine: The Lord is with me. 

Leaning into this truth is vital in embracing true contentment. 

Come what may, He is in control. He still has a plan. He is with me!