When my twin sister and I were younger, I was known as the loud, chatty one, and my sister was known as the quiet, listening one. Because of this, I have actively tried to work on being a better listener. I haven’t changed my personality, but I have spent a good portion of my adult life working on being more intentional and thoughtful (and quiet!) when I have conversations with people.  

I am learning things like not sharing my story unless the other person asks for it, as well as being okay with sitting in silence while the other person internally processes what she is going to say. The most recent thing I have been convicted about is being more curious when I listen instead of jumping to my own conclusions, judgments, or advice. I seek the Lord for help ahead of meeting with people to be prepared to ask good, thoughtful questions to better understand the person sitting across the table from me, keeping the focus on her and not what I think or feel. The act of listening is for the other person to feel heard and understood. It is about her, not me. 

Adam McHugh states in his book, The Listening Life, “The opposite of a listening heart is not a talking heart but a selfish heart.” (p. 137). When I am in conversation with another person, I must ask myself am I valuing her above myself in this moment? Am I putting my selfish ambitions aside for the better goal of understanding her heart? And then, I must put my “curiosity hat” on and engage her with careful questions as appropriate to the conversation. McHugh encourages that the best follow-up question as a good listener is, “Can you tell me more about that?” (p. 145). It shows the person speaking that you truly care and are trying to understand her as best you can. And hopefully she walks away feeling heard and understood, but not only that. Hopefully she also feels valued and loved.