“Just to let you know, I’ve been sick for the past few days, but I’ll try my best to make it through our lecture today.” My seminary professor is always a hard worker who cares deeply about his students, but this time there was a special reason for his determination. “There’s no way we can finish the semester studying John’s gospel and not work through the crucifixion.”

I was tired–our power had gone off the previous day, the kids were out of sorts, our ministry was scrambling to come up with enough money to pay our staff at the end of the month. I wouldn’t have minded a last-minute cancellation.

I was thinking about myself and my own convenience. I had not considered the weight of what we were about to learn. My professor was fully aware, to the point of pushing through illness to make sure we wouldn’t miss this precious moment. No matter that he had studied the gospels for years. As he walked us through the story, his voice broke with emotion. Tears filled his eyes as he recounted, “Jesus was in complete control, the whole time. He chose to give his life… for me and for you.”

Grace is often defined as “unmerited favor.” Both parts of this are crucial. My professor wasn’t weeping over Jesus’ sacrifice simply because he understood from historical research the excruciating pain caused by crucifixion. That’s the part I can appreciate… when I’m not being self-absorbed.

What Jesus gave, His “favor,” is immeasurable. But equally vast is the extent to which it is unmerited. That’s where I’m struggling today. I’m focused on my responsibilities, my deadlines, my challenges. My sin is way down the list.

My professor’s tears convict me. Jesus died for all my sins, and today, for my sin of indifference. My sin of self-absorption, and my sin of self-sufficiency. His grace covers my denial that I need it. 

I am reminded of the closing admonition of 2 Peter:

“But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and forever! Amen.” 2 Peter 3:18

Grow in grace… As I grow in knowledge of Jesus, I grow in my understanding of the height of his favor and the depths of my merit. I hope that I will grow to be like my professor, never able to think about Jesus’ sacrifice without weeping at his amazing grace for such as me.